My Hospital Diaries

Well, there’s an often heard saying that goes like this: You can only plan for what’s in your control; you can’t plan for the uncertainties. The last 3-4 months have reaffirmed my faith in this saying. I am one of those guys who’s more organized than any of your average guys. I like having things planned in advance and I like being organized. It’s just the way I am. But I always had this saying at the back of my mind. 

Things were fine up until 3 days before Christmas. I had even planned on a holiday at my aunt’s place in Ahmedabad for the Christmas weekend and had my tickets booked. Heat boils are common and little did I know then that a small, seemingly harmless pus formation could ruin all my plans for the next couple of months and lay me low. 

This post is a recollection of my hospital experience - my hospital diaries.

My Hospital Diaries:

Day 0 (December 21^st, 2015): I felt a slight pain in my seat. Noticed a small heat boil. Have had heat boils before. Felt that I should drink lots of water and it’ll go away, like usual.

Day 1 (22-12-15): Woke up with a slight fever. “Let me take the day off from work. Have enough leaves left, anyway.”  Took the day off, from work.

Day 2 (23-12-15): At work. “Oh, I am not able to sit straight continuously. Should go to the doctor in the evening.” I visited a doctor in the evening. Doctor said that it was the onset of an ano fistula. Said that it was alright and I’ll be fine soon. I read about it online. Details were scary. But my symptoms were different. Mild in nature. I consulted my uncle who’s a doctor and took a medicine that he prescribed.

Day 3 (24-12-15): Pain subsided a little. The boil remained a small one. I took the bus to Ahmedabad that night. Was supposed to return to Mumbai in 3 days. Little did I know then that I won’t be returning to Mumbai for another 2 months.

Day 4 (25-12-15): Christmas in aunt’s place at Ahmedabad. Slight pain was there, but the boil remained the same. No growth. Felt that there was no cause for worry, as there was no abnormal growth of the boil.

Day 5 (26-12-15): The pain spiked. The boil had grown a little – from 4 mm dia to 8 mm dia. Decided that it was best to consult a doctor. Visited a doctor with aunt and Arjun (my brother) in tow. Doctor examined the boil. Confirmed that it was a fistula and that it had started growing. He told me that the boil had to be surgically removed in a couple of days, if it does not burst on its own. He prescribed some medicines.

Day 6 (27-12-15): The pain shot up even more. The boil had grown to about 2 cms in dia. “Oh, no. Guess it’s now infected within, like the doctor had predicted. Should undergo the surgery then. No other go.” I informed my parents and they arrived in Ahmedabad that night. I decided to have the surgery the next day, as the boil showed no signs of bursting on its own and the sooner it was removed, the better.

Day 7 (28-12-15): The boil had grown incredibly to about 10 cms in dia. I got admitted in a hospital that was suggested by the doctor. Even he was surprised at the rapid growth of the boil infection. He called a senior surgeon to examine it, before he could operate. The senior surgeon said that the infection has spread rapidly and the boil had swollen so much because blood supply has been cut off to that place. He recommended surgery by that night itself. He informed us that I may lose some skin in that region while the infection is surgically removed and that I may have to undergo a skin grafting surgery later on, to replace the lost skin. He also recommended that I be shifted to a bigger hospital in the city, as he felt that the present hospital did not have the facility to cater to such a surgery. So what was supposed to be a minor surgery a few minutes back, had now become a major surgery. Oh, God! I was shifted to a bigger hospital in the city in an ambulance and was taken straight to the ICU. I was prepped for the surgery in the ICU. At 9:30 PM, I was taken to the Operation Theater (OT). I saw a teary-eyed mom wish me luck as I was being taken in. I was given anesthesia and was sedated. I fell asleep. I don’t remember anything that happened over the next 2 hours. I was woken up by the doctor at 11:30 PM. He smiled at me, indicating that the surgery was successful. I was brought out of the OT. I could see the anxious faces of my parents, brother, cousin and aunt. They were all smiling at me. Guess the doctor had informed them of the successful surgery. I smiled at them and then I was taken to the ICU.

Day 8 (29-12-15) & Day 9 (30-12-15): Post surgical recovery in the ICU. The ICU is such a unique world. I could see a few other patients lying in beds like me. Each one was fighting his/her own battle. I was fighting my own. I was bedridden. I could not get up, but the kind nurses took care of me and my needs. God bless those souls! To be a nurse (male or female) is indeed a noble thing. Only a few souls who have the innate quality of service within them, can be a nurse. 

Day 10 (31-12-2015): Was taken to the OT for a dressing. This dressing was done without anesthesia as recommended by the surgeon. It was the most excruciating physical pain that I’ve experienced in my life till now. I wish no one, I mean no one ever experiences such a pain. Horrible, it was! Thankfully, it lasted just an hour. But that was the longest hour in my life so far. Was shifted to a shared room in the ward, after the dressing.

Day 11 (01-01-2016): A new year in a hospital bed. Who would have imagined that? Certainly not me. Wishes came pouring in. I did not have my phone with me to see who all had wished. I got to see them only a couple of days later.

Day 12 (02-02-16) & Day 13 (03-02-16): Slow recovery in ward. Like the ICU, this room too had other patients fighting their own battles, with their family/friends in tow. I still did not have the strength to stand on my feet. I could sit with support, but not stand or walk.

Day 14 (04-01-2016): I was able to stand and walk slowly with support. The doctor heeded to my parents’ request to have me shifted to Coimbatore. He gave us the go-ahead. Tickets were booked and my doctor uncle agreed to come to Ahmedabad and accompany me on the trip to Coimbatore, the next day.

Day 15 (05-01-16): Flight to Coimbatore from Ahmedabad, via Mumbai. Was the most uncomfortable flight journey that I’ve ever undertaken. Was completely reliant on the wheelchair to move in the airport. Finally arrived in Coimbatore that night and was taken straight to Vallalar Hospital in a cab.

Day 16 (06-01-16): Another painful surgical disinfection procedure in the OT. “The next few days are going to be painful and challenging.”

Day 17 (07-01-16) to Day 23 (13-01-16): Painful recovery as expected. Was put on antibiotics to ensure that there was no further bacterial growth in the infected area, so that the skin grafting could be performed. Had many visitors – friends & colleagues of mom and dad and relatives, during this period. Barring my own office colleagues, roommates and a couple of my close friends who call me often, none of my other friends knew of my plight. And I was in no mood to inform anyone, as I did not want to be seen in the helpless bedridden state that I was in, back then.

Day 24 (14-01-16): The doctor felt that I may need some fresh air. He discharged me with the promise that I come for dressing twice every day. He told me that he’ll do the skin grafting surgery only when he’s fully convinced that the infected area was devoid of any bacterial growth.

Day 25 (15-01-16) to Day 30 (20-01-16): Pongal Celebrations and recovery at home. This period was somewhat fun for I felt that I was getting back to being normal again.

Day 31 (21-01-16): Readmitted in hospital for skin grafting surgery. 

Day 32 (22-01-16): Had a sumptuous breakfast with mom’s delicious home-cooked food. Little did I know that it was going to be my last solid food intake for the next 10 days. 

Day 33 (23-01-16): Skin grafting surgery. A layer of skin was removed from my right thigh and grafted in the infected region. Surgery went well. Was brought back to the room. Was asked to lie in the same position for the next 4 days, so as not to disturb the grafted skin.

Day 34 (24-01-16) to Day 36 (26-01-16): The most challenging days in this period of hospitalization. Had to lie in the same position for three days. Was so difficult and painful. Was counting down every hour, literally.

Day 37 (27-01-16) to Day 39 (29-01-16): The doctor was satisfied with my progress. He was impressed with my obedience and told me that the grafted skin had set in well and that the blood flow had started within. He agreed to have me discharged the next day.

Day 40 (30-01-16): Was discharged at last. Home again. Solid food at last, after 10 days. I had lost a lot of weight – 10 kgs to be precise, during this period. It was time for me to rest and recover at home and regain my strength back.

Day 41 (31-01-16) to Day 54 (13-02-16): Rest and recovery at home. Regained my strength. Did some office works too. Started walking well.

Day 55 (14-02-16): Went out for the first time in two months to celebrate parents’ wedding anniversary. Drove the car myself. Oh, yeah! It was a big relief that I was able to drive without any discomfort. Sign of returning to normalcy again. Bike, though, has to wait. Not allowed to drive a bike for another 4 months.

Day 56 (15-02-16) to Day 64 (23-02-16): Complete recovery at home. Felt normal again. Doctor gave me the go-ahead to return to Mumbai. Was eager to get back to Mumbai and rejoin work.

Day 65 (24-02-16): Flight back to Mumbai. Returned to familiar territory again, after two long months.

Day 66 (25-02-16) to Day 69 (28-02-16): Rest at home in Mumbai.

Day 70 (29-02-16): Rejoined work. Was welcomed with open arms at work. Oh, I missed this place and the people so much. Things are back to normal again.

Some takeaways:

1.      Surround yourself with the right people: I had the good fortune of being amidst the best of people when the situation warranted. I had my parents, brother, aunt, cousins, all other relatives, friends and colleagues taking care of me, praying for me and wishing me well. All this made my recovery much easier. I can’t imagine what might have happened if I did not have the right people beside me when the situation warranted.

2.      Have a good medical insurance cover: I was fortunate that my company was not only professional enough to give me sufficient time to recover (2 months, in this case), but also had an excellent medical cover for its employees. I’d suggest everyone reading this to go in for the best medical insurance cover available, if you do not have one. Even if you have a company-provided medical cover, there is no harm in going for a better cover on your own, if you feel that the cover limit is insufficient. Medical facilities are expensive these days and it’ll certainly burn all your savings, if you do not have a good insurance cover. Even if you’re the healthiest person in the world, I’d still suggest that you have a good insurance cover, because some things are uncertain and beyond our control.

 3.      Have a couple of good credit cards with you: This is something that really helped me like the medical insurance. In times of emergency, like when I was shifted from one hospital to another on Dec 28^th and operated upon, credit cards came in handy. In such times, the hospital may not wait for your insurance agent to come and pay your surgery fees. Though you have facilities like cashless payment cards provided by the medical insurance cover, it really helps to have a credit card or two with you, in order to pay.

4.      Be healthy, but be prepared: Apart from being a couple of kilos overweight, I was one of the healthiest persons around. I had a healthy lifestyle with clean habits. Even the doctors who treated me were puzzled as to how the infection became virulent and started swelling in my body. It was then that they told me that such bacterial growth in an infected area due to stoppage of blood supply can happen to anybody, anywhere. There may not be a particular reason for it, for the infection was caused by one of the most commonly found bacteria. It so happened that the initial pus formation managed to stop blood supply to that region and that helped its growth. So my takeaway from this experience was to be prepared for such eventualities. This takes me back to the saying that I started this post with. Some things are beyond our control.

5.      Have a hobby: By hobby here, I mean something like reading. Let’s face it. Lying in a hospital bed all day with nothing to do but to stare at the ceiling, can certainly bog you down. That idleness may not help you in staying positive. This is where a hobby like reading helps. Even phones were barred. Got access to my phone only a couple of times, every day. But my doctors were kind enough to allow me to read for some time every day. And I read some books to keep myself engaged. Best of all, I got to re-read the Amar Chitra Katha’s version of the Mahabharata again. Even when I was back home, I could not go out. I had to miss out on a lot of things. Even my close friend’s wedding. But reading certainly helped me keep up my spirits during this period.

6.      Be positive:  One thing that I am really proud of is how positively I was able to handle the whole situation. Not for a moment did I lose hope or felt dejected. I really do not know how I was able to do it, but I did. Me staying positive, even in the toughest of times, helped my parents and those around me. There were people who kept telling me that everything happens for a reason. I was not worried about the reason for the thing has already happened. I had needles inserted in my veins and antibiotics were injected into them, twice a day. Every time a vial of antibiotic was injected, it was really painful. I’d have had atleast 50 hypodermic needles inserted into my skin during this period. It was always painful. But every time it pained, I kept telling myself that this too shall pass. I was always looking forward to that day when all this would have passed and I’d be able to sit and write about it in leisure. That day is finally here. The single most important sentence that kept me positive and kept me going during this period was this: “This too shall pass.”

I thought long and hard before I decided to write this post. I thought if it was necessary at all to talk about it. But then, I felt it was important to record snippets from this experience and preserve it for posterity, while it was still fresh in my memory. Also, I felt that it may also help the readers to learn a thing or two from my experience.

I wish you, the reader, that you never have to undergo any such experience like I underwent. I wish you a hale and a healthy life.

Here’s to a healthy life and good times ahead.

Cheers!

-Ashwin Murali

PS: No surgery is pretty and I decided to leave out some of the bloody and gory description of things, in order to respect the discretion of the reader. I just wish that no one ever gets to experience such things or pain in life.

 

Gaga Chronicles - Part 2: Happiness enroute to IIM

This is Part 2 of the story 'Gaga Chronicles'. To read Part 1, click here. To read Part 3, click here. To read Part 4, click here.

Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction. All the characters and the sequences are a figment of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to any person dead or alive is purely coincidental.

August 10^th 2010:

Ever since that incident, she stopped talking to Nithin and she increasingly hung out with me at the office. I felt really happy at this increased attention that I was getting. As fate would have it, by some strange coincidence, Nithin was transferred to the Kakinada plant along with Vishal and Priya. Nithin was unhappy while the other two were elated. Gayu refused to come to their farewell and I had to convince her and bring her along. All three had left a couple of days back.

I was sitting in the office in the evening with Gayu. I was feeling uncomfortable with her these days. She started trusting me as a close friend. But I started developing something for her. I had to keep telling myself that she trusted me as a friend and I should be that. A war was being waged within me. Every day it used to kill me. I used to wake up early and used to check my Facebook chat the first thing in the morning, hoping for a message or a reply from her. I was becoming addicted to these chats. She dominated my thoughts throughout the day. I kept denying myself at first. Then later, I had to acknowledge that I had something for her. Still I kept telling myself that it was just a crush and that it would wear away pretty soon.

That particular day, I was talking to her and suddenly I began sharing stories about my past with her. Out of nowhere, before I realized, I spoke to her about Shwetha. Shwetha – my junior and crush from school. As time progressed, I realized that it was just a crush that I had on Shwetha, but that crush dominated my thoughts for a good period of 3 to 4 months while at Kakinada. Gayu listened to this story intently. I was surprised. Did she show a hint of jealousy in her face? I felt so and I felt happy. 

A week later:

She kinda became interested in my past and I narrated all the major happenings in my life to her. She seemed impressed. I was under a trance. At those rare moments that I came out of the trance, I felt angry at myself for sharing everything with her. But my mind would immediately convince me that it was ok. 

By now, my feelings for her had increased ten-fold, especially since I shared my story with her. The CAT exam was also drawing nearer. With great effort, I managed to divert my thoughts and concentrate on the exam. I convinced myself saying that everything depended on how I performed in that exam. By now, my mock test scores were also good and I was scoring more than her. I felt happy. She noticed this change in me and asked me a couple of times as to why I looked dull and withdrawn. I said that the impending CAT exam was the reason. That was not completely false. As the exam date drew nearer, I began to feel increasingly restless. My mock test scores were very good and I felt that I should keep up the momentum to replicate those scores in the real exam. My thoughts then were equally divided between the exam and her. But with great effort, I managed to suppress her thoughts and focus on the exam. Her mock scores were also good and perhaps, she took the cue from me and she too started focusing more on the exam. Our conversations in the office also became limited and we decided to stop studying together in the evenings in order to focus solely on the areas that each of us required improvement. Despite the reduced conversations, the chemistry with her was intact and one smile was all it required to ascertain that. There was a tacit understanding between us then to prioritize the exam before everything else. This way, we carried on for the next month and a half.

October 14^th 2010:

The day of the CAT exam. Since the exam was made online the previous year, people booked slots and took the exam as per their convenience during the testing window. Gayu had taken the exam the previous day. I called and wished her in the morning and she called me after the exam. She sounded very happy and I could sense that she had done really well. I felt happy for her, but at the same time, I felt pressurized for I had to do well.

She called me early in the morning to wish me luck. I thanked her and felt happy. I went and wrote the exam. It kinda went well, but I was not sure if my performance would get me a high 99 percentile score in order to get an interview call from IIM Ahmedabad. Still, I was relieved that the exam got over and went home a happy man. She called me before I could call her and I told her that it went well. She felt happy. Her happiness made me happier for I had never experienced something like that before.

A week later:

The week after the exam was real fun. Normal conversation ensued between us and I could sense my feelings for her come back to their full glory. With those feelings, the pain started. The pain that resulted from my thinking that I was betraying our friendship. It was a precarious situation for me as our normal conversations began to make me feel uneasy. I was not sure if I had to go ahead and tell her about my feelings. How would she take it? Would she get mad at me? Would she shun me completely like she did with Nithin? Suddenly, I felt sorry for Nithin. I could now realize what he might have gone through.

It was 10 days after the CAT exam. I felt that I needed some time for myself to think about certain things. So I took a couple of days off and decided to go on a bike trip to Ooty. She came to know of this and she wished me goodbye saying that she was jealous of me for I could go on such trips. I had half a mind to ask her if she could join me on that trip, but then refrained from doing so, knowing her. She would not even come to the local hill temple when we went with office colleagues. Forget a road trip for 2 days with me.

Those 2 days provided me with a much-needed break to think about things. At first, I was trying to convince myself that it was only an extended crush that would soon wear off. But all the signs pointed to the contrary. So I made peace with myself and reconciled to the fact that I was in love for the first time in my life. This is what those great poets, artists, writers and musicians meant by love. A feeling unparalleled. I have heard my friends say that it causes pain. Now I realized what they meant by that. I had been experiencing that pain for the past few days. So once I convinced myself, I tried one last time to save myself from this feeling. I thought about all her positives and negatives and tried to balance them. But when you are so deeply in love, you tend to convince yourself that all the negatives aren’t negatives after all and that you can manage them. Perhaps, this is why they say that love is blind. All your rationality goes for a toss. At the end of this exercise, I was convinced of her and my love for her and decided that I should let her know of it, come what may. I also thought about what would happen if a situation similar to Nithin’s arises. There again I convinced myself that I could handle it. It’s better to tell her about my feelings and face the consequence than not say at all. So I made up mind to talk to her about it.

October 28^th 2010:

It was a half a day at the office due to some function and we were free to leave after 1 PM. I decided that this was the day. I decided to ask her to come to lunch with me and then maybe, I’ll tell her about my feelings. I met her at 12 PM at the Boiler room.

“Hi Akshay”

“Hi Gayu”

“Akshay, listen. I want to ask you something”

I was surprised.

“Yes, tell me”

“Are you free today evening? Can you come to People’s Garden restaurant at 7 PM? I need to tell you something. I need you to meet a person.”

I was totally confused.

“Sure Gayu. I’ll come”

“Good. Come to the AC hall in the first floor at 7. See you then. Bye”

“Sure. Bye Gayu”

My head started spinning. What is this girl up to? I was about to call her for lunch and she calls me for dinner and she wants me to meet someone. It all seemed so cinematic. Like in the movies. Perhaps, she’ll introduce some unknown boyfriend of hers to me. Oh God! I was totally confused and didn’t know what was happening. Quietly, I skipped lunch and went home. I tried to sleep but could not. 

Hurriedly, I got ready and went to the restaurant at 6.30 PM. She wasn’t there yet, but she had apparently reserved a table. I went and sat at the table which had 3 chairs. I feared the worst. I was preparing myself for the worst. I expected her to walk in with a guy and introduce him to me as her boyfriend. My mind was killing me. I had to take it normally, wish them and move out. All these thoughts kept playing in my mind and I kept staring at the entrance.

At 7:05 PM, she walked in. ALONE. I looked behind her to see if there was someone. No. There was no one. She looked elegantly dressed and looked like a damsel. She was a good looking girl, but over the past few months, to me, she looked like she was the most beautiful girl in the world. That’s what love does to you. She walked up to me smilingly. 

“Hi Akshay! Been waiting for long?”

“No. Not really” I lied.

“Thanks for coming. You look great in this white shirt and blue jeans Akshay”

“Thanks a lot Gayu. You look beautiful in this kurti too.”

“Thank you”

“So…? What’s special? Why this dinner plan all of a sudden?”

“Well, there is news… but, I don’t know how to start….”

“What’s the hesitation Gayu? It’s me. You can tell me anything. And by the way, you told me that you were bringing someone along to meet me. Where’s that person?”

“Well... I am coming to that. Promise me that you will listen to me carefully without interrupting me.”

By now, I was prepared for the worst. 

“Go ahead Gayu”

“Well, it’s like this. You know what happened between Nithin and me right?”

I nodded.

“I have been a conservative girl. I studied in a girls’ school and only in college, I made friends with boys. I never had any serious crush in my life. There were a couple of proposals to me in college, but even then I did not feel anything. Nithin was the first close male friend that I had. I did not like what Nithin did and hated guys for what he did. But a few days after Nithin left, I met this guy. I knew this guy for some time. We began talking to each other normally and we became good friends. I used to chat with him in Facebook like I did with others. Over the course, I became close to him and I began to like him. I felt something inside me that I had not felt before. I realized that I was developing some feelings for him. I was convinced that it was just a crush and it would wear off. But there was no sign of the feelings going away and I had to convince myself that it was love. A magical feeling. I was feeling shy as to how I would express it to him, but then made up my mind and told him. He was elated for he too had experienced the same feelings. I was happy beyond measure. We have been in love for over 10 days now and I wanted you to know first before the rest of the world comes to know of it.”

Her words felt like a knife piercing right through my heart. With great difficulty, I maintained a straight face and smiled at her. 

“Well, he has also come here. I wanted to tell you all this before I let you meet him and introduce you to him.”

“Oh really? Where is he then?” I asked.

“He’s waiting downstairs for me to call him.”

“Oh, call him then. I’d love to meet him” I lied.

“Let’s surprise him. Or better, you surprise him. You go to him and surprise him. He knows you. I have shown him your pic. He’s waiting downstairs in the reading room. Go down, turn left and go to the third door on the right. That’s the way to the Reading Room. He’ll recognize you. Go surprise him”

“Ok. I’ll do that”

I left reluctantly. I had half a mind to run away from that place. Tears were welling up in my eyes. Only after coming down, I realized that I had even forgotten to ask his name. Heck! Who requires that idiot’s name? I did not even want to meet him. Disappointment seemed a way of life for me. Events from my past flashed before my eyes. Tears flowed out. I wiped my eyes. Guess, this was the first time I was shedding tears in a long time. With a heavy heart, I walked past the doors one by one till I came to the third door on the right. I was contemplating whether to open it or not. With heavy reluctance, I opened that door. There was no room. Instead a huge mirror was facing me. I stared at my own teary face. 

A MIRROR!!

What does it mean? Is there a mistake? I double-checked if I had opened the correct door. Yes, I have.

WAIT A MINUTE!! A MIRROR!! I was staring at myself. WOW!!!

All thoughts raced through my mind!! I was standing there in disbelief. Tears of joy flowed down my face. I stared at myself one long time in the mirror and turned around. 

There she was!

Gayu was slowly walking towards me in the deserted corridor. There was tension and excitement writ large in her face. She saw that I was excited too and slowly opened up.

“Akshay…well… you are the one! I could not sleep properly for the past 2 months and my mind was flooded with thoughts about you. There’s one thing though. I said that I began to like this guy after Nithin left. I lied. I liked you long before that. Ever since the day I saw you at the quiz, I began to like you. That was the reason why I was so mad at Nithin and that was the reason why I was mad at you too when you told me about Nithin. You were always sweet to me. After Nithin left, my feelings for you increased. I was afraid that I would give it away and that could affect both our CAT performances. That’s why I waited till CAT got over. I wanted to tell you about it last week, but you were getting ready for your road trip. So I decided to tell you once you returned. When you told me about the road trip, I had half a mind to ask you if I could come along. Today, I made up my mind to tell you. I was too shy to tell you straight in the face. So I decided to play this little game and surprise you. So … so… I am sorry about this... but... do you... do you... do you like me too Akshay?” She completed that last part of the sentence with hesitation.

I looked her straight in the eye. All I wanted to do then was to hug her tight and plant a kiss on her cheek. But considering the place we were in, I controlled myself. I took her hand in mine and held it tight close to my chest. She looked at me. She got her answer. Tears of joy flowed down her face. I wished the world would remain frozen at that moment. That was perhaps the happiest moment of my life. That was the best day of my life.

Next 2 months:

The next 2 months were probably the best time of my life. Every day, I used to go to office early and wait for her. We spent as much time as we could with each other. I felt very happy around her. We decided to limit our time together only to office as it’d become apparent to everyone otherwise. However, we chatted for atleast an hour in Facebook every night. I grew fond of her. She was not so expressive of her feelings, even though she liked me. 

She never said ‘I love you’ to me even in chat, while I told her that atleast 3 times every day. She just acknowledged it with a smile. This irked me a bit and I complained to her about it. She told me that it’d take time for her and that it’d happen in due course of time and asked me not to rush it. I realized that it’d happen and decided not to press it any further. 

I should have realized then that things were not as rosy as they seemed. But my love for her blinded all that. I was extremely happy and I wanted that to continue.

Jan 16^th 2011:

The day of the CAT results. I was very afraid. I feared what would happen if this time too I ended up with a score in the 80s , even though I knew well that I had worked much harder this time. Sitting alone in a corner of my room, I typed out my Registration No and pressed ‘ENTER’. The next few minutes were like a dream for me. The score read “99.89 percentile”. I had to double check it. It was a moment of pure exhilaration. With abundant joy, I conveyed the news to my parents and called her. She picked up the phone with a scream. It was a scream of joy. 

“I got 99.12 percentile Akshay! What about you?”

I felt overjoyed hearing that.

“99.89 Gayu!”

“WOW!! Wheeeeee! Hurrayyyy!” Her scream only got louder. 

As expected, we got our IIM calls within a week. The week was spent soaking myself in the congratulatory messages and praises that were pouring in from all quarters. 

I got calls from all IIMs, whereas she got calls from everything but Ahmedabad & Calcutta. She did not mind for it was Bangalore that she wanted. I was somewhat disappointed when I saw that she did not get a call from Ahmedabad. The future stared briefly in my face, but I let it pass.

The next 2 months were spent preparing for Group discussions and interviews and we travelled around from one place to another giving interviews. 

It was March 15^th, 2011. We were spent by then, giving so many interviews. The office came to know of our CAT results and since the Manager was also an MBA, he was very supportive of our efforts to do MBA. He appreciated our CAT results and gave us leave to go and attend interviews. So by the time it was March, our work load significantly reduced as we were given less work knowing that we would be leaving soon.

For the first time then, I expressed my fears to her.

“Gaga, did you realize one thing?”

“What?”

“What if I get Ahmedabad and Bangalore and you get Bangalore?”

“So what? You should go with Ahmedabad. That’s the best”

“No. I’ll take Bangalore. I want to be with you.”

“Are you crazy? Give up A to take B? Only an idiot would do that.”

“But that would mean staying away from you.”

“So what? It’s just 2 years. It would fly away in a jiffy. We could be in touch all the time. Don’t worry. You should opt for the best, if you get it.”

“Ok!” I said with a long face.

Separation from her is something that I had never thought about, but that could happen now. I feared as to what would happen to us if we stayed apart for 2 years. Would we be able to sustain the same love? Even now, she did not give a resounding commitment to me and she hasn’t said ‘I love you’ yet. What if she begins to drift away from me if she stays away? I have read numerous stories about how boys come to IIMs hoping to find their dream girl there. How many proposals would she get? How many would she keep turning down? What if some handsome guy with all the qualities she likes comes along and proposes to her? Would she say no even then? Or would she forget me slowly and eventually accept a proposal that comes along? MBA course load in an IIM would be very hectic. She would be loaded with assignments, tests, cases and presentations all the time. I’d also be loaded with the same. Would we find time to talk to each other amidst all this? Would she pick up if I called? She would be working with many guys on these projects and assignments. She would be with them almost at all times. She would be observing them from close quarters. Would she begin to like one of them then? What if she forgets me and chooses one of them over me? She is not bound to pick my calls and stay in touch with me. Whereas, she is bound to stay with them for the length of 2 years in close proximity. One of the guys or many of them would like her, ask her out or propose to her. She is bound to fall for one of them. I’d be a distant memory for her then. Oh God! This can’t happen!

All these thoughts troubled my mind to the core and I lost my peace over the next 10 days. I did not want to express my fears to her and upset her. So I stayed calm.

By April 10^th, all IIM results came. Like expected, I made it to Ahmedabad and Bangalore along with a host of other IIMs, while she made it to Bangalore and a few others. I was not happy. She was elated. 

I was beginning to think about Bangalore, but my family, friends and relatives had by then branded me as an IIM-A product. She even told me that she felt proud that I am in a better college than her. 

I had to reluctantly come to terms with the fact that I was going to Ahmedabad, while she was going to Bangalore. My fears did not allow me to enjoy the moment of glory. But I decided to do one thing.

I decided to tell my parents about her and introduce her to them. I told her about it. She hesitantly agreed.

I told my parents. Initially they were a little skeptic, but once they saw her, they were happy. They never denied me anything as I was their only son and my happiness was paramount for them. Having made it to IIM-A, they were overjoyed with me and they wouldn’t deny me anything then. 

She came home one evening, dressed elegantly as ever. She stayed home for a couple of hours and had dinner. She spoke to my parents and by the time she left, my parents were overjoyed with my selection. I could not ask for more. 

I wished she would do the same and introduce me to her parents, but she was not ready yet. She however introduced me to them at a public function, as a colleague. Not even a friend, but a colleague. I spoke to them for some time and they seemed to like me. Infact, her mother invited me to her home.

But what irked me was Gayu's indifference. It wouldn’t have hurt her to introduce me as a friend, atleast. But no.

I should have sensed it and realized it then. But love blinded me again.

I asked her about it and she gave her customary reply that she was not ready yet and asked me not to press it. I did not want to fight with her in the last few days and so I dropped it. 

We quit the office together and gave a party to our team and Manager. They were all aware by now that we were a couple and they joked that this was like a pre-wedding party and that they would expect our wedding party soon. I smiled at the joke while she did not like it. 

After the party, when everyone left, I gifted her a rare pen stand that I found in an antique shop. I had seen her look at it in awe once when we were crossing by and I remembered that. She was floored when she saw the gift. Without a moment’s hesitation, she hugged me. I hugged her back. This was the most physical contact that we ever had. I asked her if she would say ‘I love you’ then. She gave a mischievous smile and replied “Not yet.”

The last 10 days were spent in packing and getting ready to leave. I was to leave earlier as my college started a week earlier than hers. With every passing day, the thought of leaving her wore me down. Yet I convinced myself that we would constantly stay in touch with each other. I spoke to her about it and she assured me that she would stay in touch with me. I believed her. Another mistake as I was to realize later.

June 4^th 2011:

The day of my departure. I was kinda depressed, but I did not show it for the sake of my parents, friends and relatives who had come to see me off. I was there at the station, waiting for the train. My entourage was there and everyone was wishing me in their own way. But I was looking for only one person. And then she came.

I excused myself and went to the adjacent platform with her, away from everyone’s eyesight. My eyes welled up with tears for only the second time in the last 2 years. I wanted to say so many things, but words never came out.

She sensed my situation and closed my mouth with her hand.

“Akshay, I love you!”

I kissed her hand and hugged her, but immediately withdrew. I held her hand tight.

“Thanks Gayu! I love you too, my dear Gaga!”

“Akshay, I wanted to tell you that these last few months with you were magical. Thanks for that wonderful time. Thanks for everything! Wish you all the very best for your career! Do well!”

What was that supposed to mean? Aren’t we going to be together for a long time to come? I had no time to ask her all that. I simply thanked her and moved to my entourage as the train slowly arrived. I bade goodbye to Coimbatore and left for IIM-A.

She left a week later for IIM-B.

As I sat in the train, my phone beeped. This newly launched messaging app called ‘Whatsapp’ was wonderful. I had two messages. One was a goodbye from Gayu, the other was a message in the newly formed group in Whatsapp comprising of students from the state who were going to IIM-A. It had 4 members – my school friend Ashwin Ram, who was also my quiz partner at school and two girls named Ananya and Sahana. We all met through a Facebook group for those who had converted their IIM-A calls. I discovered that Ashwin had also made it to IIM-A through that group and later we discovered the 2 girls who were also from Tamilnadu. We formed a group in Whatsapp for us. Well, they welcomed me to IIM-A in that message for they had already reached. 

I was not going to be alone in Ahmedabad. I had friends. But my mind longed for only one person I’d have wanted to be with, in Ahmedabad.

Gaga...my dear Gaga…

But what was to become in the next 2 years in MBA and how it would turn my world upside down was something that I had not imagined even in my wildest dreams.

For now, it was Mission IIM: ACCOMPLISHED!!

(Continued in Part 3 ...)

 To read Part 3, click here.

-Ashwin Murali

My time @ T.I.M.E.

Warning: The following post is a boring, monotonous, sleep-inducing write-up by an insomniac on how he spent a year as a teacher at an institute and the meaningful/meaningless stuff he gathered along the way. If you are bored already, read no further. This one’s not for you. The next post could be. For the rest, it’s your call. I’ve warned you already ;-) :-)

Hello folks, am back again. My last blog post was one of the most satisfying in a lot of ways for it did seem to make sense to a lot of people. Happy :-)

Coming to the part about what has been going on in my life for the past few months, well, I really don’t know where to begin and where do I take it from. To cut a long story short, I realized my dream of 6 years (i.e.) to get into an IIM. :-) Yeah. I am a student of IIM Kashipur now and let’s deal with that part -about my journey to an IIM, later. 

Let’s now concentrate on what led to this - my time at TIME.

 

Let me just put this as briefly as I can. I finished Engineering, got placed and landed a job with Vedanta Resources. I was posted in Jharsuguda, Odisha. Despite initial hiccups, I began to like that place and started enjoying my job. That’s when I was transferred to a Copper Smelter unit in Tuticorin and things got worse. To put it in a nutshell, I didn’t like my job at Tuticorin and I quit in just 6 months. I took up a job as a Faculty/Trainer at TIME Coimbatore. How I got that job? Well, I still don’t know, but I’m grateful to my former boss, the TIME director, for giving me the job. 

My time at TIME lasted one full year starting from June 2012, all the way till May 2013. Looking back, I couldn’t have had a better time anywhere else and I mean it. What an amazing experience it was!! 

I realized...

This period saw me transform from a serious, studious, introverted geek to a zestful, extroverted dude. My entire outlook changed. Some of my firm beliefs were shaken. My ego took a beating on many an occasion. I discovered that I had an emotional side. I realized that I could be incredibly boring at times. And I also found out that there were people who even liked this boring part of me. I realized that I had a philosopher residing within me. I found out that it doesn’t take much to forge a great friendship.  I realized that people are very unique and different by default. I saw how insecure and doubtful can some people be. I realized that I could act incredibly stupid at times and yet feel ok about it. I realized that in a comfortable setting, I can just be myself without worrying about anything. 

I realized that I really enjoyed teaching at times. I came to know that there were people who really enjoyed my classes. I realized that girls are normal beings too ;-) :-) I realized that I could be close friends with a girl. But I also realized that some girls can be really crazy at times. I doubted like Einstein did – Am I the one who’s crazy or is everyone else crazy? :-P ;-)

I realized that there was a spiritual side to me. I realized that there can be bosses who are extremely nice and extremely efficient at the same time. I rediscovered my love for poetry. I gave myself a pen-name which is known only to a select few. I realized that there could be people following me as a role model without even me realizing. I realized that I need to set a good example for them. I also realized that at such times, you need to be your true self rather than being pretentious.

I realized that it’s very wrong to judge a person unless you know them really well. I realized that a lot of people had aspects linked to their personality that was preventing them from being their true self. I gave out a lot of advice. I realized that I did so out of care and sincerity, but also realized that people may not like it. I realized the true meaning of the words “Silence is Golden”. 

I realized that it’s impossible to satisfy all the people all the time. I realized that friends are invaluable. I realized that solitude is not always fun. I realized that an idle mind is truly a devil’s workshop. I realized that most people are fickle. I realized that I’m fickle too. A person could be everything to you one day; you may not even remember him/her the next day. I realized that the world as such is very temporary. Nothing is permanent and everything changes.

  

I realized that a single negative thought could spoil your day. I also realized that a positive thought spreads happiness to everyone around. I realized that certain people make me feel very comfortable that I could talk anything when they are around. I realized that mind is the master and as long as you have it under control, everything will be fine. I realized that it’s a blessing to have a sane head and a balanced mind. I also realized that not everyone had that. I realized that I had feministic views about certain things. I also realized that not everyone had an open mind to take it.

I realized that music is the best tonic for the soul. I realized that I liked talking about music. I realized that I did know something about Carnatic music. I realized that I could play the keyboard quite well.

I realized that I can really care for others more than I cared for myself. I also realized that it’s foolish to expect anything you do, to be reciprocated. I realized that some people could be really strange. I realized that there could be weird characters in perfectly sane individuals. I realized that I could be really patient, especially with friends. I realized that I could get really sensitive at times. I realized that emotions make me weak, but I also realized that a man is nothing without the emotions.

  

I realized that when you love your work, you don’t think of it as work. I realized that I could score incredibly well in Verbal. I also realized that I could perform miserably in Quants, at times. I realized that I could get supremely confident at times and people could easily mistake it as arrogance.

I realized that I could get addicted to texting and Whatsapp. I realized that some dreams could get shattered just like that. I realized that I had good inter-personal skills.

Most importantly, I realized that you get what you deserve based on the effort that you put in, despite the fact that luck plays a small part.  There are so many other things that I learnt at TIME, but let’s end it here lest it becomes too boring, even for me :-P 

To end it, simply put, I realized that I am what I am for that’s what I am and I am this individual called Ashwin Murali.

When asked in an IIM interview as to what I did over the past few months at TIME apart from studying and teaching, I answered that I utilized that time to reflect on myself. The panelists were surprised but didn’t question me further. Now reading what I had written in this post, I can definitely say that I did introspect well and I have done a fair job of reflecting myself. A person who served as a mirror for me would vouch for that.  

And before I wrap up, let me just thank a few people, but for whom, nothing would have been possible over the past year.

Subbu sir - my boss and TIME Coimbatore Director. Nothing would have been possible but for his confidence in us and support. I owe it to you sir. I don't think I could ever find a boss like him :-)

Rajesh Sir: More of a friend than a teacher. Sponsored a cup of coffee for us daily. Had some unforgettable times with him at TIME. Also the person who helped me keep in touch with Hindi, which, believe me, is helping me tremendously right now. 

Srividya: A teacher turned friend. Well, she has been a friend all along but the past few months helped me interact with her the same way as I would with any of my close friends.  One person who can inspire and encourage you in times of need. Easily the most eloquent teacher that I ever had. There’s so much more to say, but you know all that Srivi  :-)

Prabhakaran sir: One word. Genius. Thank you sir.

Kamala Ma’am: Wonderful teacher. Thank you Ma’am.

Thresia Ma’am, Thelma Ma’am, Dominic Sir, Murugesh Anna and other TIME staff: Well, TIME wouldn’t be TIME without them. Thank you all. :-)

My students who became great friends: To Sidhu, Ashwin Nair, Dhinesh Karthik, Dinesh (TNAU, IIM L), Aishu, Miki, Manoj, Viji, Ranjini, Manasa and Ram, thank you guys. Can’t imagine the year gone by without you all. Enough said already I guess :-)

Cynthia: One of the most amazing persons I met during my time at TIME. Great friend. You already know everything else that I could say. Thank you Cynthia  :-)

Shyam: My TIME journey started with him. One of the best persons that I had ever met.  Again, spoken enough. Thank you da :-)

Shivaguru: Redefines everything. Again, enough said. Thanks da :-)

Roshni: She was the real ‘roshni’ of TIME.  Guess that sums up everything. She knows everything else that I’d probably say. Thank you Rosh :-)

Well, that’s it for now. My next post isn’t far away for I have this strong urge to write more and more. Hope time permits :-)

Cheers :-)

-Ashwin Murali