What they fail to teach us

Hello again. My last post got some of the best responses that I’ve ever got. That includes a girl asking me if I could be the subject for her to practice the groin kick ;-) OMG!!

 I didn’t think then that one incident would affect us all in the way it did. Those rapists are akin to terrorists in the sense that they have managed to create fear in the mind. I could see my female friends worry about their safety. This fear would give rise to paranoia. My suggestion/advice to all my female friends / sisters is not to fear. Please be your normal selves and try to lead a normal life. Just be vigilant and precautious. Also please don’t start hating your friends, colleagues, and people around you just because they are men. Like I said, any man who’s been brought up with the right values inculcated in him would never do anything that’d displease a woman even in the slightest manner. Identify such men and be around them. 

American Way of Life:

Moving on to today’s topic, I’ve often wondered whether the Americans are crazy to be doing what they do – send out their kids once they’re done with school. For those who may not know, the US way of life is such that the children learn to be alone right from their infancy. Yes. A toddler will have his/her own room and that’s where they’re put to sleep while the parents sleep in their bedroom. So the process of learning to be alone starts there. Once they’re done with their school education, they move out of their houses and start leading a life of their own. They work, study, pay their bills, do their chores, etc. without anyone’s support. 

Ofcourse there are exceptions where the parents continue to support their children but the majority is on their own. 

Now thinking again, I wonder, are they crazy or are they brilliant to be doing that? A bit of both, I’d say. 

Crazy ‘cause they fail to support their child realize his/her dream to the fullest; brilliant ‘cause they initiate the process of learning one of the most important lessons in our life – Self Discovery. 

Being on your own will always sound like music to the ears of a teenager who has been craving for his/her privacy, right from adolescence. 

But is being independent & being on your own that easy? Yes, for an American kid. Not for an Indian kid.

 Indian Way of Life:

Now let’s look at the Indian way of life. 

The Indian kid is a parents’ darling. The cherished joy of their lives. They try to stay with their parents for as long as their situation allows them to. Again there are exceptions but I’m not talking about them. Most of them stay with their parents throughout their school lives.  Even when it comes to college, parents don’t send out their kids. They look for a college in their proximity and try to enroll their ward there or they shift to the city of the college where their ward has got admission. They continue this support till the point where they’re forced to give in. Some never give in. 

Parents supporting their kids is not a sin. But they must also impart the essential life skills to their kids. By life skills, I mean anything and everything. Let me talk from my own experience.

Learning Life Skills – the unusual ones:

When I was posted in Jharsuguda, Orissa, at an age of 21 after my college, I realized that I was on my own thereafter. Though there was initial excitement, slowly but surely, I was exposed to my own shortcomings, one by one. Let’s look at them and how I overcame them.

1.      Money: Yes. I was paid for the first time in my life. Though I’ve dealt with money in my life, I’ve never handled such huge amounts of money, that too in a bank account and all. Though I learnt it in due course of time, I realized that people around me who had lived in hostels in their college, were able to manage better. That was the first time I regretted not having been in a hostel in my college life. But I learnt and when we came out of company accommodation, I was the house financier.

2.      Cooking: Once out of the company accommodation, my friends and I were completely on our own in a rented house. That’s where we started cooking. That’s when I realized what I missed out learning, while I was back home. I regretted not joining in when my brother used to cook stuffs with my mom. Yes. My brother cooks well. But learning to cook was fun too.  I did learn to cook, albeit little by little. Still I was able to eat my own cooking and that’s what mattered. 

3.      Washing: One of the most painful exercises. My dad had taught me this while I was young and it helped. Though being the connoisseurs of comfort that we were, had a washing machine, there were days which were spent washing soaked up, dusty clothes.

4.      Doing dishes: Atleast this was one activity I was well trained in. Though it’s a pain, we managed it well.

5.      Cleaning the house: Another activity that came naturally to me. Whether it was sweeping the floor or dusting the roof (once in awhile), we managed it well.

Now looking back, I’m amazed at what I managed. The point here is that these skills should be taught to every individual irrespective of whether you’re a male or a female.  

Gender Disparity/ Reverse Gender Bias:

While the girls are taught all these, the boys are largely ignored, is the common argument. But I beg to disagree. Are girls taught all these? In the present day, the girls are brought up in a competitive environment on par with boys in every sense. In their sense of comforting the girls, many parents fail to teach them these skills. 

Sometimes, girls are comforted to such an extent that they never know hardships in their life. Don’t get me wrong. It’s none of my business to tell parents what to teach their daughters. I insist on teaching all these skills even to your sons. My point is, when it comes to daughter, certain parents shower their wards with so much love and comfort that it becomes difficult for them, if they face hardships future in their life.  Again don’t get me wrong. By future, I don’t mean their married life. Whether you marry or not, is your wish. Even if you don’t, to lead an independent life, all these skills are requisites. Again people may argue saying why should they learn these skills when they could afford a cook or a helper when faced with such a situation. Again my point is not if you could get these works done, but knowing to do them. And this has got nothing to do with getting married et al. In this age when hardly any married couple stays with their parents, such skills are a requisite, not just for the girl. I’ve seen a lot of independent, young, single women leading very good lives on account of them mastering these skills. Same with men. 

It’s ok to give all comforts to your children but please don’t distinguish them. The other day, a friend remarked that his sister wouldn’t have undergone even a fourth of the hardships that he had to undergo in his life. Such distinctions could be avoided. It’s ok to give a little preference to your daughter over your son. But at the same time, the daughter should also be taught the essentials of life and should be exposed to the outside world. 

Yes, the girls should be exposed to the outside world even if it means risking her safety in the present scenario. They should go out and be on their own, atleast for a year. Unless they are exposed to the outside world, they cannot grow in confidence. The same applies to your sons too. And parents needn’t worry about their wards, especially their daughters. 

The world is undergoing a change where the gender bias is tilting the other way. At a time when the top B-schools in the country have relaxed their admission criteria in favour of girls, it’s only fair that parents encourage their daughters to go out and conquer the world. But in doing so, please don’t forget to equip them with all the skills required. 

Also while talking about reverse gender bias, am reminded of a conversation that I had with my mom some time back. She was worried. When asked, she mentioned a cousin who’s getting married and how her sister (my aunt) has presented her future daughter-in-law with a diamond necklace. She said that now it has become a trend to present your daughter-in-law with a diamond necklace and she has started saving to get one for the future wives of my brother and me. I started laughing and asked her what was it for. She replied that it was the price that she has to pay that ‘poor girl’ for “taking care of you”. LOL. I told her that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself, to which, she replied “Unakku adhellaam puriyaadhu” (You won’t understand). I continued laughing. Then I told her that I’d get the bride a necklace myself and that she needn’t worry. LOL. Perhaps, there’s a small change that’s happening in the dowry system. The girl’s side is being paid the dowry. Wow. Sounded cool. Girls reading this, please note the point ;-) Think about it… a diamond necklace “to take care of me” which I am perfectly capable of doing. A big gain ;-) Again, think about it ;-) Also, am not too bad either ;-) ;-) LOL :-D   

Jokes apart, the point is that in certain spheres, girls have developed to such an extent that there’s no point holding them back. Let them be their selves. Let them get exposure, gain knowledge and steer clear of their naivety.  

Another skill that comes to my mind is swimming. Please teach your wards to swim. Swimming is one skill that is taught to every youngster in the Western world whereas hardly a fifth of Indian youngsters can swim. Learn to swim and swim properly. Don’t pretend to know swimming after having attended a 15 day crash course ;-)

Other skills that can be taught are some self defence skills like Karate, Kung fu, Kalari Payattu, etc. Also teach them to drive, both two wheelers and four wheelers.

If you equip them with all these skills and send them out into the world, they’ll face the world confidently and in learning about the world, they will also learn about themselves. The process of Self Discovery will happen. This will prepare them to face anything and everything in life. 

For American youngsters, this process of Self Discovery happens much earlier than us and this makes them, in a sense, more confident than us. But again there are exceptions. If we realize our shortcomings and equip ourselves properly, then there’s absolutely nothing that’d prevent us from matching them in all spheres. 

This is what they fail to teach us.

Wish you all a very happy new year.

Cheers,

Ashwin Murali

PS: The title of this blog post is inspired by the title of Meenakshi Akka’s blog. Meenu ka, if you read this, thank you for the title which I took without your permission. Title credits to you :-)

Disclaimer: The examples cited in this post are based on the author’s experiences and are not intended to refer to or to mean offence to any individual, whomsoever.

Sorry, my dear Sisters

Hello again. My last post got me some nice feedbacks. Like always, people hitherto unknown, read it and it felt good. In addition to all that, I was also told that I seemed to live in a parallel universe. I got the point. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of what’s going on but I wanted the world to be ideal, atleast in my writings. Turns out the world is a far worse place. 

Reality sucks. But we live in reality believing that everything’s fine, when it’s not. Hence this post. Some hard truths. 

People who know me will tell you that I’m one of the most diplomatic persons around. For a change, I’m not going to be diplomatic here.

I was about to write on something else. But this post is far more important, I felt. If you’re the soft/ weak-hearted kind, please do not read any further.

First of all, a big sorry to all my dear sisters out there.

I just could not take it that some wretched persons from my gender would do something so horrific. Yes, I’m talking about the Delhi rape case. “Which one?” you may ask. The one that’s dominating the news for the last couple of days, the one where the victim was brutally raped and thrown out of a moving bus. It was really disturbing. The no. of such cases in Delhi over the past 4-5 years has rightfully earned it the shameful sobriquet – “Rape Capital”. Now I’m not going to deal with statistics and details et al. You’ve newspapers and screaming news anchors for that. 

Let us see the reasons behind this problem and ways to put an end to it.

Reasons: 

Immigrants, drugs, alcohol, the beast within:

I apologized earlier just to express solidarity – philadelphos, a brotherly love. Otherwise, I don’t even consider those wretched beings as humans, let alone one of my kind – males. They are plain animals, beasts that have no control over their senses.

I had a chat with a nice chap I befriended during a train journey, a year ago. He’s been in Delhi since 2007, working with a PSU. He said he had done a study on the rising rapes in Delhi and presented me with some of his findings.

The immigrant labour population was responsible for over 80 pc of the rapes that happened during this period. These are young illiterate labourers from around the country, who toil hard during the day and let their senses wander during the night. They are mostly young unmarried men and in some cases married men.

Alcohol and drugs were the next major factors, according to him. And in this case, the perpetrators were not some illiterate rustics but educated, affluent, young men who have strayed into the path of drugs and alcohol.

Inefficient System:

The system is so inefficient that it has become impossible for the police to thwart a possible molestation. The Government machinery, law, judicial system, media, etc. are working in tandem against the victim. There was a statement made on twitter by an eminent personality saying that we come to know of such cases in Delhi for it’s only here that cases are being reported. Elsewhere, the system is such that people will hardly report the matter. Could be true. Not sure. This 24X7 media would ensure that the victim never has a peaceful, normal, anonymous life again. In addition, the feminist groups add insult to injury. I’m not targeting anyone or anything here, but the sad truth is that these female organizations lack unity and they end up doing more harm than good. The government takes advantage of this friction among different groups.

The Ladies:

Now this would raise many eyebrows. How is a lady to be blamed for being victimized? There’s been enough written in the media about this and there has been enough statements made by loud-mouthed politicians who have earned the ire of one and all. 

No.

I’m not going to blame their dresses. Ours is a free country and every person is entitled the dress up the way he/she wishes. 

No. 

I’m not going to blame them for going out to parties with their boyfriends. They are perfectly within their rights to do that.   

I’m not blaming them for consuming alcohols or drugs either. It’s a morality issue and every person has the right to choose the morally right path for themselves.

Then what?

I blame them for their ignorance, their nescience. It is imperative that they know such things could happen anywhere and everywhere and stay on the vigil. I’ll be pounced upon for saying this, but I’m sorry. Please return to your homes before it’s too late. I have no right to ask my sisters to return home soon while I stay out late. But that’s the way it is. Like I said before, the machinery – the police, the government etc. are inefficient in dealing with this problem and so for our part, as normal citizens, we’ll have to take the necessary precautions.

Putting an End:

It’s not the time to turn rebellious. It’s imperative that we protect ourselves from the beast that’s lurking around. It’s shameful for me to say this but ours is not a safe country for women. Gandhi said that the real freedom is when a woman is able to walk down the streets with jewels in the dead of the night. Going by his definition, we are not free yet.   

I’ve seen girls impose a curfew on themselves and get home soon. I’ve often wondered why is that so and is it necessary. Now I realize that it’s indeed necessary. For a country that’s as unsafe as ours for women, it is indeed necessary that such a curfew be self-imposed. Again there’s sexism, gender bias there but nothing could be done unless everything improves.

Also understand that being with a guy doesn't improve matters. No matter who the guy is, in the face of such adversity, he's as helpless against those beasts as you. The Delhi case and the recent Bangalore NLS case are good examples of the same.

If you’re a woman who works late into the night, please equip yourselves with pepper spray, self-defence tactics, etc. Also if you ask me, I’d suggest you practice kicking a guy in his groin. There’s hardly anything that’s more painful than that for a guy ;-) :-) 

Morality is another issue that needs to be taken care of. The moral values have to be imbibed into the system from a very young age. If you’re a parent and have a son, teach him to respect and treat women as their equal in all respects.  It’s wrong to even touch a girl if she doesn’t like it, whoever it may be – your friend, classmate, colleague, sibling, etc. Learn to respect her dignity and teach the same to the others.

As for putting an end to all this, some politicians suggest severity of punishments. I agree but not to the punishment they’ve suggested. They’ve suggested death. I suggest castration.

Yes. Castration. That’d put an end to this problem. 

Would any person dare indulge in rape/adultery in the Middle East? 

No. 

Why? 

Because of castration.

In a Tamil film, the comedian Vivek shoots the groin of a rapist and says “Only when the severity of punishments increase, will the crimes come down.”  Exactly my point.

Impose castration as punishment for rape and you’ll see it coming down.

As for drugs and alcohol, again it boils down to morality. If you drink, that’s your problem. But drink responsibly so that the problem stays with you and you alone. As for drugs, say no them.

Again girls, always remember a person is not the same in an inebriated state. So for your own precaution, stay away from guys, whoever it may be, if you find him getting drunk. 

The same applies to you too. If you drink, bear in mind the place and the people you’re with and drink responsibly. Don’t ever get drunk in a public place. As for drugs, don’t ever think of them. There are enough articles on the net about date-rape drugs et al.

So dear sisters, please stay safe and stay alert. Stay on the vigil always. It’s imperative to stay alert even when you’re with guys you’ve known like boyfriends, classmates, colleagues, friends, etc.  Staying on the vigil doesn’t mean that you’ll have to look at them with suspicion all the time but staying prepared if anything were to happen. 

Hopeful that nothing wrong ever happens. Touch wood.

With philadelphos,

Ashwin Murali

PS:  I’ve addressed every girl reading this as sisters but if everyone turns out to be a sister, I’ll be stranded as a bachelor, for life. So please, not all of you consider me your brother ;-) :-)

It’s a GIRL

 “It’s a GIRL. IT’S A GIRL. IT’S A GIRLLLL”. 

Sounds happy right? This could be what expectant couples might sound like when they welcome a new member into this world. Except that it’s not the same sound with every couple, especially when the new member is a girl. 

You may now have got an idea as to what this post is all about. Yes. It’s about a malaise called female foeticide/infanticide that exists in our society. 

For any couple, the birth of their child ranks as the happiest moment in their lives. Except that in many cases, the happiness is not the same or missing if the child turns out to be a girl. This is terrible. What has the young baby done to earn the displeasure or wrath of their parents/relatives? 

You may think that this happens only with illiterate parents in rural areas. No. This happens everywhere.  Alarmingly, the no. of such cases is high in urban areas, that too with educated couples. I personally came across one such case.

Back in Tuticorin, we were being taken on a visit to one of my former company’s CSR camps. I was with a colleague, a nice guy whom I got to know a couple of weeks back.  We were chatting on the way when he received a call. I could sense that it was a call conveying some news, something good. His face lighted up after the call and with delight he informed me that his cousin had delivered twin girls. I had no idea as to who they were and all, yet I felt delighted. Such is the joy that a young one brings. Yet it was short lived. 

After sometime, he again got a call. This time I could sense that the voice on the other end was sombre and his replies were angry in nature. Sitting in a bus next to him, it wasn’t difficult to hear and figure out what was going on. Apparently their cousin’s family was dejected it seems. They were worried that it was a girl, not just a girl but girls. WHAT THE HECK!!

Again I could sense something stir inside me. It was a rage that I kept under control. I felt like grabbing the phone from him and blurt out all the cuss words that came to my mind. Thankfully, he was very sensible enough to chide them in the strictest terms and this calmed me down.

 I sat that day, wondering how they could do this to the little girls. What have they done to earn this displeasure right at their birth? Will they be brought up well considering that they were disliked right at their birth? How will they react if they come to know that they were unwelcome additions to their family? 

It was then that I read about this problem. I was shocked to learn how prevalent this malaise was in our society. Aamir Khan, for his part, shed some light on this issue in Satyameva Jayate. Yet, I feel that this problem can’t be solved unless people themselves realize, welcome and embrace the girl child.

My mom says that in the olden times, people preferred boys as bringing up girls were considered to be expensive. What crap!! These days bringing up a boy is equally expensive, if not more. I once asked my mom as to what she’d have done if I had been born a girl. She replied that she’d have loved me even more. That cheered me up.  I could feel proud of my parents. In fact, my mom told me that my dad was visibly disappointed when my brother was born, as his second-born also turned out to be a ‘he’ instead of a ‘she’. Yet it was just a short lived disappointment and they showered us with all the love and care that we could hope for in this world.

I always wanted a girl for a child. Whether it was the absence of a sister in my life or something, I do not know. But I always wanted a girl child. Once when my colleagues were discussing as to what child they would prefer having, I categorically stated that I’d like to have atleast one daughter. Where it came from, I do not know. But I said what I said and realized that’s what I wanted. 

Wanting a daughter doesn’t mean that I’d hate my child if I end up having a son. Every child is precious. A girl child is even more precious. All educated couples should realize this and educate others too. 

I know a lot of couples with daughters who have been brought up like princesses. Their happiness is proof enough that girls bring unforeseen joy into the household. The joy that you experience when your young daughter smiles at you, is unparalleled, I’m told. 

Support the girl child and she’ll make you proud one day. 

This post is dedicated to all the wonderful women who I had the good fortune of getting to know in my life namely my mom, aunts, grandmas, cousins, friends, colleagues, teachers and every other woman who has inspired this world to be a better place

.

Perseverance, Patience and Love, thy name is Woman!!

-Ashwin Murali

PS: I have used myself as an example at many places in this post just to drive home the point. That should in no way indicate that I’m looking for a girl or marriage is around the corner :-) Marriage is atleast a good 4 years away ;-)  :-)