Words are not what they mean

Back to blogging in the New Year. Last couple of weeks was very eventful with mostly good things happening. Hope it continues.

Coming to today’s post, I’ve often wondered how words have changed over time. They don’t mean the same over a period of time as they meant at the beginning. Ofcourse, I’m not talking about all words, but some words have transformed. Let’s look at some of them.

Homely:

What does ‘homely’ mean? If I had not been taught its meaning by a nice teacher, I’d probably say that it means ‘of home or suitable to a house’ or something of that sort. 

 But dictionary defines ‘homely’ as plain, pretentious and lacking in physical beauty.

We generally associate that term with a girl, usually a prospective bride. People say they’d prefer a homely girl. What they actually mean is that they’d prefer a girl, who’s traditional in nature, suitable enough to fit in anyone’s house adjusting herself to the surroundings. 

Are there such girls present today? ;-) Just kidding :-)

 I agree that it’s offensive to girls in general that such a demand for a ‘homely’ girl is being made in today’s world. Perhaps, girls should start demanding a ‘homely’ boy then. I’m not even venturing into the definition of a ‘homely’ boy. Please do if you wish ;-) :-)

But the point is that 99.9 percent of the people using that word, especially in South India, do not know its dictionary meaning. Like all other Indians, people were probably looking for a word that would aptly fit in and describe the characteristics mentioned and they hit upon this word. 

Another problem is in suggesting an alternative. What alternative would you suggest for ‘homely’?  ‘Traditional’ sounds fine but in today’s world that sounds more offensive than some swear words. Think of it? How would you react if you were called a traditional girl/boy? Does sound odd. Got to stick with ‘homely’.

Having been taught well, I don’t use it in that context, but I find everyone else using it. I can correct some but not everyone. So the simple solution lies in me not using it but understand what people mean by it if they use it. So many eminent people have used it. Time to accept that the word has undergone/is undergoing a transformation in our own unique Indian way. 

Guardians of the English language/dictionary writers at Oxford & Cambridge should perhaps realize that the words they define don’t mean the same in India :-)  Perhaps they must come up with an Indian edition, ‘cause we’re unique.

Dude:

Another interesting word. Dictionary defines it as “an informal way to address a man; a man who’s much concerned with his dress and appearance”.

But if you ask people using it, people like you and me, we’d say that it simply means a ‘cool guy’. But did you know what the word meant when it was first coined?

It meant a ‘dud’. Yes. The word was coined in the 1860s and at that time it was used to refer to males who were extremely well-dressed that their dressing was often incongruous (out of place). So they were called ‘dud’ (boring, fool, etc.). This became ‘dude’ and transformed in meaning to its present form. 

Another issue here is gender based. Though the word is used to refer to males, it has come to be more unisexual of late, being used for both genders.

But the actual female equivalent of a ‘dude’ is a ‘dudette’, which again is not the original term. According to Webster’s Dictionary, the female equivalent of a dude is a ‘dudine’. But again the term might have sounded uncool and someone thought of this term ‘dudette’.   

Again ‘dudette’ has come to mean something different, somewhere close to its original meaning.

In today’s college parlance, ‘dudette’ means a girl who’s dumb. She might be well-dressed, elegant and might talk only in English. Even if you talk to her in Tamil knowing that she can speak that language perfectly well, she’ll be like “Eniku Thaamil theriyaadhu” (I don’t know Tamil). If you ask her about who the Chief Minister or Governor of the state is, she’ll probably say “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t read politics, you see.”

So there’s your ‘dudette’ , atleast that’s what a ‘dudette’ means in today’s college parlance. So if someone calls you a dudette, be offended or perhaps, you really are one ;-)

That’s why ‘dude’ is being used unisexually these days.

Weather and Climate:

I’ve corrected the maximum no. of people with these words. We’ll talk a little Geography here. I owe a lot of my knowledge in Geography to a wonderful teacher named Sujatha Ma’am who taught me Geography at school. I did well in Geography & scored a 98pc in my board exam. I guess that qualifies me to teach you all a little Geography. 

When you talk about the weather of a place, you’re talking about the climatic conditions of a place over a short period of time like a day or a couple of days or a week at the maximum.

When you talk about the climate of a place, you’re talking about the climatic conditions of a place over a long period of time like 20 to 30 years or more.

You don’t say “Today’s climate is good”. You say “Today’s weather is good.” 

Similarly you say “Bangalore has a pleasant climate or Coimbatore has a pleasant climate or Chennai has a sultry climate” as you’re talking about the prevalent general conditions in those places for years together.

Guys/ Gals and the usage of Mrs./Ms.

Another issue that arises is with regard to the usage of ‘guys’. ‘Guy’ means a male and it’s plural form is ‘guys’. The apt female equivalent of this word is ‘gal’. But again, there’s this ‘uncoolness’ about that word. So people don’t prefer to use it. Even ‘guys and girls’ is more acceptable in today’s parlance than people calling ‘guys and gals’. This again has led to the word ‘guys’ being used unisexually. There’s a reverse gender bias here ;-) All words that were guys’ are being taken away from us ;-)  :-)

Another interesting word is the word ‘mistress’. Though in India people have taken to referring their wife as ‘mistress’, the word actually means an adulterous woman, signifying an illicit relationship. Unlike other words like ‘homely’, mistake in this word should be deemed unacceptable. So please don’t use the word ‘mistress’. Introducing them as your ‘wife’ or ‘spouse’ or as your ‘better half’ is good enough. While on this topic, I’m reminded of a joke that I read in some magazine a long time back.

A foreigner and his wife were travelling in a train and they were seated next to a village couple. The villager was strangely staring at the foreigner’s wife. The foreigner noticed this and to make things clear, he said to his wife, “I’m your husband and you’re my wife.” The villager saw this and trying to ape him, he turned to his wife and said “I’m your handpump and you’re my pipe.” :-D

For males, such a problem never existed as they were addressed as ‘Mr.’ irrespective of their marital status. This injustice to females was noticed and it was first suggested that the title of “Ms.” be used for women in 1901 in The Republican magazine.  This issue was later taken forward by American Business Writers Association and from 1970s onwards, the title “Ms.” has been used to refer to women.  Newspapers like The Guardian have given fillip to this usage by stating that they’d refer to all women by the title “Ms.” unless the women being addressed themselves state their preference to be addressed as either “Miss” or “Mrs.”

Hmmm/Hmm

If you’re wondering what this means,  be assured that you’re not alone. We are sailing in the same boat. Perhaps the most irritable response that you could get from someone in a text message is ‘hmmm’. It’s not even a proper word for heaven’s sake. People use it in oral conversations as means of letting the speaker know that he/she is being listened to. Stop it with that. Please don’t take it to written communication. Good communicators never use it in their writing. It’s just a conversation filler. There can hardly be anything more irritating than when you receive a reply “hmm” in response to a lengthy message that you typed and sent. If you want to acknowledge, you can atleast use words like “ok” or even a “smiley” would be a better response than “hmm”. Please avoid it if you’re in the habit of using it. I recently found a person, who I regard as a very good communicator, using it. I advised that  person not to use it, only to find the words “hmm” again in that person’s message to me. Old habits die hard, I guess ;-) :-)

 

Will update on more such words as and when I come across them.

Cheers,

Ashwin Murali

What they fail to teach us

Hello again. My last post got some of the best responses that I’ve ever got. That includes a girl asking me if I could be the subject for her to practice the groin kick ;-) OMG!!

 I didn’t think then that one incident would affect us all in the way it did. Those rapists are akin to terrorists in the sense that they have managed to create fear in the mind. I could see my female friends worry about their safety. This fear would give rise to paranoia. My suggestion/advice to all my female friends / sisters is not to fear. Please be your normal selves and try to lead a normal life. Just be vigilant and precautious. Also please don’t start hating your friends, colleagues, and people around you just because they are men. Like I said, any man who’s been brought up with the right values inculcated in him would never do anything that’d displease a woman even in the slightest manner. Identify such men and be around them. 

American Way of Life:

Moving on to today’s topic, I’ve often wondered whether the Americans are crazy to be doing what they do – send out their kids once they’re done with school. For those who may not know, the US way of life is such that the children learn to be alone right from their infancy. Yes. A toddler will have his/her own room and that’s where they’re put to sleep while the parents sleep in their bedroom. So the process of learning to be alone starts there. Once they’re done with their school education, they move out of their houses and start leading a life of their own. They work, study, pay their bills, do their chores, etc. without anyone’s support. 

Ofcourse there are exceptions where the parents continue to support their children but the majority is on their own. 

Now thinking again, I wonder, are they crazy or are they brilliant to be doing that? A bit of both, I’d say. 

Crazy ‘cause they fail to support their child realize his/her dream to the fullest; brilliant ‘cause they initiate the process of learning one of the most important lessons in our life – Self Discovery. 

Being on your own will always sound like music to the ears of a teenager who has been craving for his/her privacy, right from adolescence. 

But is being independent & being on your own that easy? Yes, for an American kid. Not for an Indian kid.

 Indian Way of Life:

Now let’s look at the Indian way of life. 

The Indian kid is a parents’ darling. The cherished joy of their lives. They try to stay with their parents for as long as their situation allows them to. Again there are exceptions but I’m not talking about them. Most of them stay with their parents throughout their school lives.  Even when it comes to college, parents don’t send out their kids. They look for a college in their proximity and try to enroll their ward there or they shift to the city of the college where their ward has got admission. They continue this support till the point where they’re forced to give in. Some never give in. 

Parents supporting their kids is not a sin. But they must also impart the essential life skills to their kids. By life skills, I mean anything and everything. Let me talk from my own experience.

Learning Life Skills – the unusual ones:

When I was posted in Jharsuguda, Orissa, at an age of 21 after my college, I realized that I was on my own thereafter. Though there was initial excitement, slowly but surely, I was exposed to my own shortcomings, one by one. Let’s look at them and how I overcame them.

1.      Money: Yes. I was paid for the first time in my life. Though I’ve dealt with money in my life, I’ve never handled such huge amounts of money, that too in a bank account and all. Though I learnt it in due course of time, I realized that people around me who had lived in hostels in their college, were able to manage better. That was the first time I regretted not having been in a hostel in my college life. But I learnt and when we came out of company accommodation, I was the house financier.

2.      Cooking: Once out of the company accommodation, my friends and I were completely on our own in a rented house. That’s where we started cooking. That’s when I realized what I missed out learning, while I was back home. I regretted not joining in when my brother used to cook stuffs with my mom. Yes. My brother cooks well. But learning to cook was fun too.  I did learn to cook, albeit little by little. Still I was able to eat my own cooking and that’s what mattered. 

3.      Washing: One of the most painful exercises. My dad had taught me this while I was young and it helped. Though being the connoisseurs of comfort that we were, had a washing machine, there were days which were spent washing soaked up, dusty clothes.

4.      Doing dishes: Atleast this was one activity I was well trained in. Though it’s a pain, we managed it well.

5.      Cleaning the house: Another activity that came naturally to me. Whether it was sweeping the floor or dusting the roof (once in awhile), we managed it well.

Now looking back, I’m amazed at what I managed. The point here is that these skills should be taught to every individual irrespective of whether you’re a male or a female.  

Gender Disparity/ Reverse Gender Bias:

While the girls are taught all these, the boys are largely ignored, is the common argument. But I beg to disagree. Are girls taught all these? In the present day, the girls are brought up in a competitive environment on par with boys in every sense. In their sense of comforting the girls, many parents fail to teach them these skills. 

Sometimes, girls are comforted to such an extent that they never know hardships in their life. Don’t get me wrong. It’s none of my business to tell parents what to teach their daughters. I insist on teaching all these skills even to your sons. My point is, when it comes to daughter, certain parents shower their wards with so much love and comfort that it becomes difficult for them, if they face hardships future in their life.  Again don’t get me wrong. By future, I don’t mean their married life. Whether you marry or not, is your wish. Even if you don’t, to lead an independent life, all these skills are requisites. Again people may argue saying why should they learn these skills when they could afford a cook or a helper when faced with such a situation. Again my point is not if you could get these works done, but knowing to do them. And this has got nothing to do with getting married et al. In this age when hardly any married couple stays with their parents, such skills are a requisite, not just for the girl. I’ve seen a lot of independent, young, single women leading very good lives on account of them mastering these skills. Same with men. 

It’s ok to give all comforts to your children but please don’t distinguish them. The other day, a friend remarked that his sister wouldn’t have undergone even a fourth of the hardships that he had to undergo in his life. Such distinctions could be avoided. It’s ok to give a little preference to your daughter over your son. But at the same time, the daughter should also be taught the essentials of life and should be exposed to the outside world. 

Yes, the girls should be exposed to the outside world even if it means risking her safety in the present scenario. They should go out and be on their own, atleast for a year. Unless they are exposed to the outside world, they cannot grow in confidence. The same applies to your sons too. And parents needn’t worry about their wards, especially their daughters. 

The world is undergoing a change where the gender bias is tilting the other way. At a time when the top B-schools in the country have relaxed their admission criteria in favour of girls, it’s only fair that parents encourage their daughters to go out and conquer the world. But in doing so, please don’t forget to equip them with all the skills required. 

Also while talking about reverse gender bias, am reminded of a conversation that I had with my mom some time back. She was worried. When asked, she mentioned a cousin who’s getting married and how her sister (my aunt) has presented her future daughter-in-law with a diamond necklace. She said that now it has become a trend to present your daughter-in-law with a diamond necklace and she has started saving to get one for the future wives of my brother and me. I started laughing and asked her what was it for. She replied that it was the price that she has to pay that ‘poor girl’ for “taking care of you”. LOL. I told her that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself, to which, she replied “Unakku adhellaam puriyaadhu” (You won’t understand). I continued laughing. Then I told her that I’d get the bride a necklace myself and that she needn’t worry. LOL. Perhaps, there’s a small change that’s happening in the dowry system. The girl’s side is being paid the dowry. Wow. Sounded cool. Girls reading this, please note the point ;-) Think about it… a diamond necklace “to take care of me” which I am perfectly capable of doing. A big gain ;-) Again, think about it ;-) Also, am not too bad either ;-) ;-) LOL :-D   

Jokes apart, the point is that in certain spheres, girls have developed to such an extent that there’s no point holding them back. Let them be their selves. Let them get exposure, gain knowledge and steer clear of their naivety.  

Another skill that comes to my mind is swimming. Please teach your wards to swim. Swimming is one skill that is taught to every youngster in the Western world whereas hardly a fifth of Indian youngsters can swim. Learn to swim and swim properly. Don’t pretend to know swimming after having attended a 15 day crash course ;-)

Other skills that can be taught are some self defence skills like Karate, Kung fu, Kalari Payattu, etc. Also teach them to drive, both two wheelers and four wheelers.

If you equip them with all these skills and send them out into the world, they’ll face the world confidently and in learning about the world, they will also learn about themselves. The process of Self Discovery will happen. This will prepare them to face anything and everything in life. 

For American youngsters, this process of Self Discovery happens much earlier than us and this makes them, in a sense, more confident than us. But again there are exceptions. If we realize our shortcomings and equip ourselves properly, then there’s absolutely nothing that’d prevent us from matching them in all spheres. 

This is what they fail to teach us.

Wish you all a very happy new year.

Cheers,

Ashwin Murali

PS: The title of this blog post is inspired by the title of Meenakshi Akka’s blog. Meenu ka, if you read this, thank you for the title which I took without your permission. Title credits to you :-)

Disclaimer: The examples cited in this post are based on the author’s experiences and are not intended to refer to or to mean offence to any individual, whomsoever.

Sorry, my dear Sisters

Hello again. My last post got me some nice feedbacks. Like always, people hitherto unknown, read it and it felt good. In addition to all that, I was also told that I seemed to live in a parallel universe. I got the point. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of what’s going on but I wanted the world to be ideal, atleast in my writings. Turns out the world is a far worse place. 

Reality sucks. But we live in reality believing that everything’s fine, when it’s not. Hence this post. Some hard truths. 

People who know me will tell you that I’m one of the most diplomatic persons around. For a change, I’m not going to be diplomatic here.

I was about to write on something else. But this post is far more important, I felt. If you’re the soft/ weak-hearted kind, please do not read any further.

First of all, a big sorry to all my dear sisters out there.

I just could not take it that some wretched persons from my gender would do something so horrific. Yes, I’m talking about the Delhi rape case. “Which one?” you may ask. The one that’s dominating the news for the last couple of days, the one where the victim was brutally raped and thrown out of a moving bus. It was really disturbing. The no. of such cases in Delhi over the past 4-5 years has rightfully earned it the shameful sobriquet – “Rape Capital”. Now I’m not going to deal with statistics and details et al. You’ve newspapers and screaming news anchors for that. 

Let us see the reasons behind this problem and ways to put an end to it.

Reasons: 

Immigrants, drugs, alcohol, the beast within:

I apologized earlier just to express solidarity – philadelphos, a brotherly love. Otherwise, I don’t even consider those wretched beings as humans, let alone one of my kind – males. They are plain animals, beasts that have no control over their senses.

I had a chat with a nice chap I befriended during a train journey, a year ago. He’s been in Delhi since 2007, working with a PSU. He said he had done a study on the rising rapes in Delhi and presented me with some of his findings.

The immigrant labour population was responsible for over 80 pc of the rapes that happened during this period. These are young illiterate labourers from around the country, who toil hard during the day and let their senses wander during the night. They are mostly young unmarried men and in some cases married men.

Alcohol and drugs were the next major factors, according to him. And in this case, the perpetrators were not some illiterate rustics but educated, affluent, young men who have strayed into the path of drugs and alcohol.

Inefficient System:

The system is so inefficient that it has become impossible for the police to thwart a possible molestation. The Government machinery, law, judicial system, media, etc. are working in tandem against the victim. There was a statement made on twitter by an eminent personality saying that we come to know of such cases in Delhi for it’s only here that cases are being reported. Elsewhere, the system is such that people will hardly report the matter. Could be true. Not sure. This 24X7 media would ensure that the victim never has a peaceful, normal, anonymous life again. In addition, the feminist groups add insult to injury. I’m not targeting anyone or anything here, but the sad truth is that these female organizations lack unity and they end up doing more harm than good. The government takes advantage of this friction among different groups.

The Ladies:

Now this would raise many eyebrows. How is a lady to be blamed for being victimized? There’s been enough written in the media about this and there has been enough statements made by loud-mouthed politicians who have earned the ire of one and all. 

No.

I’m not going to blame their dresses. Ours is a free country and every person is entitled the dress up the way he/she wishes. 

No. 

I’m not going to blame them for going out to parties with their boyfriends. They are perfectly within their rights to do that.   

I’m not blaming them for consuming alcohols or drugs either. It’s a morality issue and every person has the right to choose the morally right path for themselves.

Then what?

I blame them for their ignorance, their nescience. It is imperative that they know such things could happen anywhere and everywhere and stay on the vigil. I’ll be pounced upon for saying this, but I’m sorry. Please return to your homes before it’s too late. I have no right to ask my sisters to return home soon while I stay out late. But that’s the way it is. Like I said before, the machinery – the police, the government etc. are inefficient in dealing with this problem and so for our part, as normal citizens, we’ll have to take the necessary precautions.

Putting an End:

It’s not the time to turn rebellious. It’s imperative that we protect ourselves from the beast that’s lurking around. It’s shameful for me to say this but ours is not a safe country for women. Gandhi said that the real freedom is when a woman is able to walk down the streets with jewels in the dead of the night. Going by his definition, we are not free yet.   

I’ve seen girls impose a curfew on themselves and get home soon. I’ve often wondered why is that so and is it necessary. Now I realize that it’s indeed necessary. For a country that’s as unsafe as ours for women, it is indeed necessary that such a curfew be self-imposed. Again there’s sexism, gender bias there but nothing could be done unless everything improves.

Also understand that being with a guy doesn't improve matters. No matter who the guy is, in the face of such adversity, he's as helpless against those beasts as you. The Delhi case and the recent Bangalore NLS case are good examples of the same.

If you’re a woman who works late into the night, please equip yourselves with pepper spray, self-defence tactics, etc. Also if you ask me, I’d suggest you practice kicking a guy in his groin. There’s hardly anything that’s more painful than that for a guy ;-) :-) 

Morality is another issue that needs to be taken care of. The moral values have to be imbibed into the system from a very young age. If you’re a parent and have a son, teach him to respect and treat women as their equal in all respects.  It’s wrong to even touch a girl if she doesn’t like it, whoever it may be – your friend, classmate, colleague, sibling, etc. Learn to respect her dignity and teach the same to the others.

As for putting an end to all this, some politicians suggest severity of punishments. I agree but not to the punishment they’ve suggested. They’ve suggested death. I suggest castration.

Yes. Castration. That’d put an end to this problem. 

Would any person dare indulge in rape/adultery in the Middle East? 

No. 

Why? 

Because of castration.

In a Tamil film, the comedian Vivek shoots the groin of a rapist and says “Only when the severity of punishments increase, will the crimes come down.”  Exactly my point.

Impose castration as punishment for rape and you’ll see it coming down.

As for drugs and alcohol, again it boils down to morality. If you drink, that’s your problem. But drink responsibly so that the problem stays with you and you alone. As for drugs, say no them.

Again girls, always remember a person is not the same in an inebriated state. So for your own precaution, stay away from guys, whoever it may be, if you find him getting drunk. 

The same applies to you too. If you drink, bear in mind the place and the people you’re with and drink responsibly. Don’t ever get drunk in a public place. As for drugs, don’t ever think of them. There are enough articles on the net about date-rape drugs et al.

So dear sisters, please stay safe and stay alert. Stay on the vigil always. It’s imperative to stay alert even when you’re with guys you’ve known like boyfriends, classmates, colleagues, friends, etc.  Staying on the vigil doesn’t mean that you’ll have to look at them with suspicion all the time but staying prepared if anything were to happen. 

Hopeful that nothing wrong ever happens. Touch wood.

With philadelphos,

Ashwin Murali

PS:  I’ve addressed every girl reading this as sisters but if everyone turns out to be a sister, I’ll be stranded as a bachelor, for life. So please, not all of you consider me your brother ;-) :-)