Dear Ashwin, X years ago…

Hello there. As always, it’s been a while. I keep wishing that I needn’t say that. Hasn’t happened. Let’s see.

Coming to this post, I was inspired to write this about a year ago when I read this post of Uttara’s. She in turn, was inspired by this video. Ever since I read that post, the thought of writing a similar post has been at the back of my mind.  I turned 28 last week and the post came back to me. Felt that the time can’t be better to address my own self over the years. Let me just rack my brains and see what I would want to say to a younger Ashwin. Read on, if interested. Might be of interest to you too; if you wish to address your younger self, that is.

For my own convenience, I am imagining that I am travelling back in time to November 21^st (my birthday) every year in the reverse chronological order. Let’s begin the journey.

Nov 21^st, 2015 (27 years old):

Dear Ashwin, I know you’re having fun, but don’t lose sight of some of your goals - both personal and professional. Take utmost care of what you eat lest you end up in hospital one day. Don’t just pretend, but start work on the book that you’ve been wanting to write. You may not find as much time later. And please, take care of your savings. They’re there for a reason. Don’t touch them.

Nov 21^st, 2014 (26 years old):

Dear Ashwin, you’ve been overworking yourself. Enough. Just take it easy and enjoy your last few months in IIM Kashipur. Go out. Travel. There are a lot of serene locations nearby. You may not get such a chance and time later. It’s good to be an optimist, but also be more realistic and less diplomatic. 

Nov 21^st, 2013 (25 years old):

Dear Ashwin, you’ve been floating in the clouds ever since you came to Kashipur 4 months ago. Calm down and come back to earth. Focus on the things that matter. Abandon those trivial pursuits. You know what I mean. And by the way, please pay more attention in those Finance classes. They will come in handy in the future.

Nov 21^st, 2012 (24 years old):

Dear Ashwin, you’ve given your CAT. Now don’t worry about the results. Things will happen if they’re meant to. You’ve been having a great time with your friends at TIME. Cherish these moments for you won’t get them back again. It’s not such a bad idea to take some time off for yourself. Will help you set your priorities right. Go on long drives. You’ll miss having your car with you in the coming years.

Nov 21^st, 2011 (23 years old):

Dear Ashwin, looks like you’ve finally taken to the plant life in Jharsuguda. But don’t get too comfortable for things are about to change and you won’t be in Odisha for long. A lot of things will happen in the next few months. You’ll be required to take some bold decisions. Don’t shy away from them if you want your dreams realized. And yeah, don’t lose hope on Chelsea yet. Something extraordinary will happen at the end of the season. 😉

Nov 21^st, 2010 (22 years old):

Dear Ashwin, I know you’re having a hard time adapting to the plant life in this place called Jharsuguda in Odisha. Trust me. You’ll adapt well. I know you’ve been binge-watching FRIENDS. Please do so without any regret. You’ll re-watch the whole series again. And again. And again. It will comfort you and bring a smile to your face like nothing else. Do hang out more. Don’t stay locked up in your room with your laptop all the time. There are some interesting people around. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but ‘that’ girl has been smiling at you every time you go past her. 😉 Won’t hurt you to say “Hello!” and talk to her. 😉 Let language not deter you in any way. You’ll learn Hindi soon. And you’ll pick up bits of Odiya too. 

Nov 21^st, 2009 (21 years old):

Dear Ashwin, You’ve done pretty well in engineering so far. Kudos! Your mini project was great. That success will make you attempt a very ambitious main project. Don’t. The project that you have in mind would require a bigger investment and will not succeed with the budget that you have in mind. Think of something less ambitious. And enjoy your time at home to the fullest. Very soon, you’ll land yourself a job that will take you away. 

Nov 21^st, 2006 (18 years old):

Dear Ashwin, congrats on turning 18. While you apply for the driving license, do apply for that voter ID too. Else, you’ll find yourself without one, even after 10 years. Don’t fret about missing out on IIT. Trust me. You’ll do well with what you have. No matter what anyone says, don’t you ever think about giving up quizzing. It is something that will bring you laurels and give you an identity in the years to come. Looks like you’ve discovered that you can write as well. Great. Now take that advice of Chandru’s and start writing a blog soon. Writing is something that will again earn you an identity in the years to come.

Nov 21^st, 2004 (16 years old):

Dear Ashwin, please give this IIT business a break and concentrate on school studies. Don’t ask anything more.

Nov 21^st, 2001 (13 years old):

Dear Ashwin, looks like you really enjoyed the four Harry Potter books that Advaith lent you. Cherish them. There are three more books that will come and you’ll read them all again and again, multiple times. Also, look for more books to read. Ask mom. She’ll never say no to a book. Watching cartoons is fine, but books are better.

Nov 21^st, 2000 (12 years old):

Dear Ashwin, it’s ok if you have not got the first rank. It’s not a big deal. You’ll get it one day. You will also fail one day. So don’t worry about these small things. Just enjoy yourself to the maximum. You’ve taken a liking to playing badminton, haven’t you? Or is it table tennis? Whatever be the game, spend an extra hour playing it. Playing a sport is something that will give you great joy and help you learn a lot.

Nov 21^st, 1998 (10 years old):

Dear Ashwin, looks like you’ve started taking music lessons and are learning to play the veena. Looks like you have an interest in learning the keyboard too. Great. Please don’t give up on them. Music is something that will be your constant companion, both in times of joy and despair. There will come a day when you will regret not being able to produce some beautiful music with your own fingers. Don’t give that day a chance. Learn to play the instruments. You’ll love them in times to come.

Nov 21^st, 1993 (5 years old):

Dear Ashwin, I can see that you’re very excited. You’re happy that you’ve welcomed a baby brother into this world. Take good care of him. You both will have lots of fun and will have lots of stories to tell in times to come. 

Nov 21^st, 1988 (0 years old):

Dear little one, welcome to this world. You have wonderful parents and excellent people around you. Say ‘hi’ to them. You’re in for a great journey in this beautiful world. Yes. It’s a beautiful world. Don’t you let yourself be swayed from that view, no matter what people say. It’s a beautiful world and you’re going to have a wonderful life. Remember that. Always.

There you go. That’s it. Now let’s get back to the future.

Nov 21^st, 2016 (28 years old):

Dear Ashwin, hi there. I am you. Just a week ahead in time. But this week has given me the time to introspect and tell you a few things that you must know and bear in mind as you move ahead. First and foremost, get out of your comfort zone. Nothing great ever came out of persons who sat in their zones of comfort. I know it’s nice and cozy but if you wish to progress and do the things you want to do, get out of that comfort zone. Write. And write more often. It’s not okay if you have thought about the story in your mind. It will take shape only when you put pen to paper. Only then will that book of yours will ever come out. Lately, you’ve been writing those film reviews on Facebook. The feedback has been positive too. Continue doing that. Also, there’s so much hate on social media these days. Don’t let that affect you. It’s not wise to be drawn into meaningless debates and trying to defend your point of view. Focus on some of the works that you’ve been wanting to do. That reminds me that your keyboard is lying idle for quite some time. It’s not a showcase material. Take it out and play it a little, every day. You haven’t solved the 4X4X4 Rubik’s cube yet. Do that. And please read more. When was the last time you sat with a book in your hand for hours together? Set some clear, achievable goals for the year ahead and work towards them. I am sure you will succeed. That’s all that I have to say.

So there you go. That ends my journey towards addressing self. 

To you, the reader, I wish a similar journey back in time. But please remember this. We can’t change the past. We can only learn from it and take the lessons forward towards a better future. Let’s progress towards that. 

Till we meet again. Ciao

-Ashwin Murali 

PS: Thank you, Uttara, for inspiring me to write this post.

What they fail to teach us

Hello again. My last post got some of the best responses that I’ve ever got. That includes a girl asking me if I could be the subject for her to practice the groin kick ;-) OMG!!

 I didn’t think then that one incident would affect us all in the way it did. Those rapists are akin to terrorists in the sense that they have managed to create fear in the mind. I could see my female friends worry about their safety. This fear would give rise to paranoia. My suggestion/advice to all my female friends / sisters is not to fear. Please be your normal selves and try to lead a normal life. Just be vigilant and precautious. Also please don’t start hating your friends, colleagues, and people around you just because they are men. Like I said, any man who’s been brought up with the right values inculcated in him would never do anything that’d displease a woman even in the slightest manner. Identify such men and be around them. 

American Way of Life:

Moving on to today’s topic, I’ve often wondered whether the Americans are crazy to be doing what they do – send out their kids once they’re done with school. For those who may not know, the US way of life is such that the children learn to be alone right from their infancy. Yes. A toddler will have his/her own room and that’s where they’re put to sleep while the parents sleep in their bedroom. So the process of learning to be alone starts there. Once they’re done with their school education, they move out of their houses and start leading a life of their own. They work, study, pay their bills, do their chores, etc. without anyone’s support. 

Ofcourse there are exceptions where the parents continue to support their children but the majority is on their own. 

Now thinking again, I wonder, are they crazy or are they brilliant to be doing that? A bit of both, I’d say. 

Crazy ‘cause they fail to support their child realize his/her dream to the fullest; brilliant ‘cause they initiate the process of learning one of the most important lessons in our life – Self Discovery. 

Being on your own will always sound like music to the ears of a teenager who has been craving for his/her privacy, right from adolescence. 

But is being independent & being on your own that easy? Yes, for an American kid. Not for an Indian kid.

 Indian Way of Life:

Now let’s look at the Indian way of life. 

The Indian kid is a parents’ darling. The cherished joy of their lives. They try to stay with their parents for as long as their situation allows them to. Again there are exceptions but I’m not talking about them. Most of them stay with their parents throughout their school lives.  Even when it comes to college, parents don’t send out their kids. They look for a college in their proximity and try to enroll their ward there or they shift to the city of the college where their ward has got admission. They continue this support till the point where they’re forced to give in. Some never give in. 

Parents supporting their kids is not a sin. But they must also impart the essential life skills to their kids. By life skills, I mean anything and everything. Let me talk from my own experience.

Learning Life Skills – the unusual ones:

When I was posted in Jharsuguda, Orissa, at an age of 21 after my college, I realized that I was on my own thereafter. Though there was initial excitement, slowly but surely, I was exposed to my own shortcomings, one by one. Let’s look at them and how I overcame them.

1.      Money: Yes. I was paid for the first time in my life. Though I’ve dealt with money in my life, I’ve never handled such huge amounts of money, that too in a bank account and all. Though I learnt it in due course of time, I realized that people around me who had lived in hostels in their college, were able to manage better. That was the first time I regretted not having been in a hostel in my college life. But I learnt and when we came out of company accommodation, I was the house financier.

2.      Cooking: Once out of the company accommodation, my friends and I were completely on our own in a rented house. That’s where we started cooking. That’s when I realized what I missed out learning, while I was back home. I regretted not joining in when my brother used to cook stuffs with my mom. Yes. My brother cooks well. But learning to cook was fun too.  I did learn to cook, albeit little by little. Still I was able to eat my own cooking and that’s what mattered. 

3.      Washing: One of the most painful exercises. My dad had taught me this while I was young and it helped. Though being the connoisseurs of comfort that we were, had a washing machine, there were days which were spent washing soaked up, dusty clothes.

4.      Doing dishes: Atleast this was one activity I was well trained in. Though it’s a pain, we managed it well.

5.      Cleaning the house: Another activity that came naturally to me. Whether it was sweeping the floor or dusting the roof (once in awhile), we managed it well.

Now looking back, I’m amazed at what I managed. The point here is that these skills should be taught to every individual irrespective of whether you’re a male or a female.  

Gender Disparity/ Reverse Gender Bias:

While the girls are taught all these, the boys are largely ignored, is the common argument. But I beg to disagree. Are girls taught all these? In the present day, the girls are brought up in a competitive environment on par with boys in every sense. In their sense of comforting the girls, many parents fail to teach them these skills. 

Sometimes, girls are comforted to such an extent that they never know hardships in their life. Don’t get me wrong. It’s none of my business to tell parents what to teach their daughters. I insist on teaching all these skills even to your sons. My point is, when it comes to daughter, certain parents shower their wards with so much love and comfort that it becomes difficult for them, if they face hardships future in their life.  Again don’t get me wrong. By future, I don’t mean their married life. Whether you marry or not, is your wish. Even if you don’t, to lead an independent life, all these skills are requisites. Again people may argue saying why should they learn these skills when they could afford a cook or a helper when faced with such a situation. Again my point is not if you could get these works done, but knowing to do them. And this has got nothing to do with getting married et al. In this age when hardly any married couple stays with their parents, such skills are a requisite, not just for the girl. I’ve seen a lot of independent, young, single women leading very good lives on account of them mastering these skills. Same with men. 

It’s ok to give all comforts to your children but please don’t distinguish them. The other day, a friend remarked that his sister wouldn’t have undergone even a fourth of the hardships that he had to undergo in his life. Such distinctions could be avoided. It’s ok to give a little preference to your daughter over your son. But at the same time, the daughter should also be taught the essentials of life and should be exposed to the outside world. 

Yes, the girls should be exposed to the outside world even if it means risking her safety in the present scenario. They should go out and be on their own, atleast for a year. Unless they are exposed to the outside world, they cannot grow in confidence. The same applies to your sons too. And parents needn’t worry about their wards, especially their daughters. 

The world is undergoing a change where the gender bias is tilting the other way. At a time when the top B-schools in the country have relaxed their admission criteria in favour of girls, it’s only fair that parents encourage their daughters to go out and conquer the world. But in doing so, please don’t forget to equip them with all the skills required. 

Also while talking about reverse gender bias, am reminded of a conversation that I had with my mom some time back. She was worried. When asked, she mentioned a cousin who’s getting married and how her sister (my aunt) has presented her future daughter-in-law with a diamond necklace. She said that now it has become a trend to present your daughter-in-law with a diamond necklace and she has started saving to get one for the future wives of my brother and me. I started laughing and asked her what was it for. She replied that it was the price that she has to pay that ‘poor girl’ for “taking care of you”. LOL. I told her that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself, to which, she replied “Unakku adhellaam puriyaadhu” (You won’t understand). I continued laughing. Then I told her that I’d get the bride a necklace myself and that she needn’t worry. LOL. Perhaps, there’s a small change that’s happening in the dowry system. The girl’s side is being paid the dowry. Wow. Sounded cool. Girls reading this, please note the point ;-) Think about it… a diamond necklace “to take care of me” which I am perfectly capable of doing. A big gain ;-) Again, think about it ;-) Also, am not too bad either ;-) ;-) LOL :-D   

Jokes apart, the point is that in certain spheres, girls have developed to such an extent that there’s no point holding them back. Let them be their selves. Let them get exposure, gain knowledge and steer clear of their naivety.  

Another skill that comes to my mind is swimming. Please teach your wards to swim. Swimming is one skill that is taught to every youngster in the Western world whereas hardly a fifth of Indian youngsters can swim. Learn to swim and swim properly. Don’t pretend to know swimming after having attended a 15 day crash course ;-)

Other skills that can be taught are some self defence skills like Karate, Kung fu, Kalari Payattu, etc. Also teach them to drive, both two wheelers and four wheelers.

If you equip them with all these skills and send them out into the world, they’ll face the world confidently and in learning about the world, they will also learn about themselves. The process of Self Discovery will happen. This will prepare them to face anything and everything in life. 

For American youngsters, this process of Self Discovery happens much earlier than us and this makes them, in a sense, more confident than us. But again there are exceptions. If we realize our shortcomings and equip ourselves properly, then there’s absolutely nothing that’d prevent us from matching them in all spheres. 

This is what they fail to teach us.

Wish you all a very happy new year.

Cheers,

Ashwin Murali

PS: The title of this blog post is inspired by the title of Meenakshi Akka’s blog. Meenu ka, if you read this, thank you for the title which I took without your permission. Title credits to you :-)

Disclaimer: The examples cited in this post are based on the author’s experiences and are not intended to refer to or to mean offence to any individual, whomsoever.